When working together starts feeling like working against each other
Sarah sat in our coaching session doing what she always did — holding it together.
The business was ticking. Work was coming in. On paper, things were fine.
But underneath? She and her husband were constantly at each other. Not in a dramatic, blow-everything-up kind of way. Just the small, grinding stuff. The niggly things. The conversations that should've been simple but somehow always turned into a standoff.
"We're in that really shitty in-between stage — jobs finished, waiting on approvals, nothing moving. And James and I are like... at each other. Not even about anything big. Just the niggly things."
Sound familiar?
This is the story of how Sarah went from constantly clashing with her husband to having the most aligned year they'd had in almost a decade of running a business together.
The Starting Point: Two people pulling in different directions
When Sarah first started working with Ladies with Tradies, she and her husband had been in business together for seven or eight years.
They weren't a disaster. They weren't on the brink. They were actually pretty good — experienced, hard-working, genuinely committed to building something together.
But something kept going wrong in the way they communicated. Specifically: when pressure hit, they'd pull in opposite directions instead of toward each other.
Her husband — high-energy, action-oriented, built for the tools — would spiral when things stalled. A job waiting on approvals. A week where nothing seemed to be moving. He'd get frustrated, fire up, and the bull would come out.
Sarah, carrying the admin, the planning, the follow-through — would try to keep things on track. Ask questions. Check in. Keep the wheels turning.
And somehow, every time she did, it made things worse.
"He just spirals. If it's not moving quick enough or there's another hurdle in place, he just spirals. And then I end up being the one trying to steer the ship — but the more I try, the more he feels like I'm controlling him."
Neither of them was wrong. Neither of them was the problem.
They just didn't have the language — or the framework — to understand what was actually happening.
The Turning Point: Behaviour is a sign of an unmet need
Through their coaching work, Sarah was introduced to a concept that reframed everything:
The Core Idea
Behaviour is a sign of an unmet need.
When someone gets quiet, fires up, avoids or bulldozes - it's not just bad behaviour. It's a signal. Something underneath isn't being met.
For Sarah's husband, the unmet needs were classic masculine ones:
- Feeling controlled — like someone was managing his moves
- Feeling cut off — like he couldn't get a word in or think straight
- Feeling criticised — like no matter how hard he worked, it wasn't enough
For Sarah, her unmet needs were just as real:
- Feeling unheard — like the work she was doing behind the scenes was invisible
- Feeling unseen — like her effort and planning didn't register
- Feeling unsafe — like if she brought something up, she'd get shot down for it
The kicker? They both wanted the same thing. Same destination. Just completely different maps to get there — and no shared language to talk about it.
"We're on the same page. But we've still got very different directions we go to get there."
What Changed: A Framework, a Coach, and a Run in the Paddock
Armed with this new understanding, Sarah started doing things differently. Not perfectly — she's the first to say they still have big blow-ups. But differently enough that it actually stuck.
Shift #1: Let him have the run in the paddock
When her husband was wound up, Sarah stopped trying to fix it in the moment. Instead, she learned to let him take it to their coach first.
"I just let him have the session with you to get all his shit out on the table — without me sitting there criticising him or cutting him off or trying to control him. He can get it all out. He'll listen to you because you're not his wife. And then he can come back and we can actually have a conversation."
It sounds simple. But for someone who'd spent years trying to steer the ship in real time, stepping back took real discipline.
The result? He'd decompress. Process. Come back to her calmer and more ready to actually engage.
Shift #2: Show the wins. Don't narrate the process.
Sarah used to keep her husband updated on everything she was working on. Checking in. Progress reports. Keeping him in the loop.
She meant well. He experienced it as pressure.
So she changed her approach.
"While I'm doing something, I'm not gonna be like, 'Hey, I'm doing this, I'm doing this.' I just come to him and go, 'That's already done.' And he'll feel better — like, oh, shit's actually happening."
One small shift. Massive difference in how he felt about the business moving forward.
Shift #3: Create rules of the game for the hard conversations
Sarah and her husband started building agreed ways to handle it when things heated up. Not in the heat of the moment — before it.
Go to your corner. Take a breath. Know that it's okay to say: we don't have to decide this right now.
That last part was a revelation for both of them.
"Deciding not to decide is also a decision. You don't have to resolve everything. It's okay to say — let's park it, let's come back when we're both in a different headspace."
For a couple that felt like every disagreement needed an immediate resolution? That permission was huge.
Shift #4: Use personality profiles as a shared map — not a weapon
One of the biggest breakthroughs came when Sarah and her husband understood their DISC profiles and motivators — not as labels, but as a real explanation for why they operated so differently.
Why did he resist the admin and planning side? He was wired for action and results, not rules and theory. It wasn't laziness. It wasn't disrespect. It was literally how he was built.
Why did Sarah feel the weight of the unseen work so heavily? Because her motivators were deeply tied to contribution — and when that went unacknowledged, it hit hard.
"I think we are just more aware and conscious now of the types of words that we use. We know what's underneath it now. That changes everything."
Someone in their community even put their motivators and behaviours on the fridge. Their kids started engaging with it. It became a whole-family language.
That's what happens when you stop using a framework as ammunition and start using it as a map.
The Results: The Most Aligned They'd Been in Eight Years
Sarah and her husband still clash sometimes. They still have big blow-ups. They're not pretending to be perfect.
But the trajectory has completely changed.
- Communication breakdowns reduced — they now have a process for when things heat up instead of just reacting
- The frustration cycles got shorter — because both of them understood what was actually happening underneath the behaviour
- Sarah stopped feeling invisible — her work behind the scenes became visible — and valued
- Her husband stopped feeling controlled — because she stopped trying to manage him in real time
- Business conversations became possible — instead of derailing into unresolved conflict
- They built a shared language — for talking about differences without it becoming personal
"This year has been the most we've ever been on the same page. Seven or eight years in, and this is the year it's actually clicked."
- Sarah, Ladies with Tradies 1:1 Powerpass Coaching Client
What Other Tradie Couples Can Take From Sarah's Story
Sarah's situation isn't unique. We see it constantly — two capable, hard-working people who genuinely want the same things, but can't stop pulling against each other.
Here's what Sarah learned that every tradie couple needs to hear:
1. The behaviour isn't the problem — the unmet need underneath it is
When your partner fires up, goes quiet, avoids the office, or digs their heels in — that's not just a personality flaw. It's a signal.
Ask yourself: what's not being met right now? For them, and for you.
2. Men and women have different unmet needs — but they're more similar than you think
The 3 Masculine C's: Controlled, Cut Off, Criticised.
The 3 Feminine U's: Unheard, Unseen, Unsafe.
Different words. Same core need: to feel respected, valued, and safe enough to show up.
3. A third party changes everything
Sarah's husband could hear the same message from a coach that he couldn't hear from his wife. Not because the message was different — but because the dynamic was.
A trusted third party creates the safety that lets someone actually process — instead of defend.
4. Deciding not to decide is a strategy, not a cop-out
Not every conversation needs a resolution. Not every disagreement needs to be solved today.
Give yourself permission to park it. Come back when you're both in a better headspace. That's not avoidance — that's smart.
5. Personality profiles aren't for labelling people — they're for understanding them
When you understand why your partner is motivated differently, you stop making it personal.
It's not him being lazy. It's not you being controlling. It's two different operating systems trying to run the same business.
What to Do If You're the Sarah in Your Business
If any of this sounds familiar — if you and your partner are working hard but constantly clashing, talking past each other, or just feeling like you're on different teams — here's where to start:
Step 1: Name the behaviour, not the person
Next time things heat up, pause and ask: what need isn't being met right now? For them. For you. Get curious instead of reactive.
Step 2: Learn your conflict style
Do you go to silence or volume when things get hard? Does your partner? Knowing this doesn't excuse it — but it helps you recognise it faster and respond instead of react.
Step 3: Create your rules of the game before you need them
Agree now — when things get heated, what do you do? What words mean 'I need a minute'? What's off the table? Don't wait until you're in the middle of it.
Step 4: Do your personality profiles together
Book a DISC and motivators session with your coach. Understand what drives you both. Put it somewhere you can see it. Use it as a shared language, not ammunition.
Step 5: Get a third party in the room
You can't coach yourself through your own blind spots. You can't be the mediator and the participant at the same time. That's what we're here for.
Ready to Get on the Same Page?
If you and your partner are running a trade business together and it feels more like a battleground than a team — we can help.
Our Powerpass 1:1 Coaching gives you the framework, language, and support to stop pulling against each other — and start building something great together.
On your What To Fix First call, we'll have:
• A relaxed, no-pressure chat about where you're at
• Real talk about what's working — and what's not
• Honest conversation about where you want to go
• A clear picture of how we can support you — if it makes sense for both sides
Book your What To Fix First call now
No judgement. No pressure. Just real strategies from people who get it.
"I think we are always growing and learning. There's no blame. We just keep coming back to centre - and understanding a bit more of each other's point of view."
- Sarah
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